DAY ONE
My love of rocketry and spacecraft started when I was a kid. It began with my parents taking me to the science center on my ninth birthday. Of all the things I remember about that day, for some reason, the thing in the front of mind that stands out is stopping at the gift shop on the way out. After some serious begging, my mom gave in and bought me a package of "Astronaut Ice Cream". I thought that this was the most fantastic idea ever conceived. As a wide-eyed dreamer, I considered the possibility that this dehydrated Neapolitan sweet treat was actually invented before spaceflight, inspiring men to create an entirely new profession to simply enjoy it.
We moved away later that year and I never went back to the science center. I would find that this wonderful food could not be purchased at a grocery store. Even the largest of the department store chains did not have it. The field and stream outlet? No. How about the Army Navy store? Nope. Waldenbooks? No, certainly not. I entered my late teens, with the taste of the delicate wafer a vague memory.
After graduating high school, I went to State College. After many long nights reviewing computer theory and mathematics, I received a Bachelor of science degree in Computer Engineering from State University. I joined the Navy, earning my commission through the Aviator Reserve Officer program and was designated as a Naval Pilot. Following my initial training, I was assigned to Fighter Squadron Four aboard the USS Ranger.
While there, I attended the Navy Combat Plane Armament school and was awarded the Naval Pilot Flight Service Medal and the Pilot Flight Time Distinguished Officer award. Six months later, I was given the Squadron Pilot Naval Flight Engineering award, which I would be nominated for and win during each of my remaining quarters.
I then completed my studies at the Naval Post-Graduate School, receiving a Master of science degree in Aeronautical Engineering and was assigned as Project Officer to the Attack Conveyance Test Directorate. I would be awarded both the Naval Deployment Leader medal and Flight Directive Service Award. Three years later, I joined Fighter Group 345, where I served as Piloting Operations Technical Commander. One year later, I entered Naval Operations Designated Pilot command and completed a deployment to the middle east aboard the USS Nimitz.
While in the Navy, I logged over 6,000 flying hours in 23 different types of aircraft and had 719 carrier landings.
I was then selected by NASA and completed an 18 month program, qualifying me as a Space Shuttle pilot. I was then assigned to the Astronaut Flight Technical Control branch, where I served as the Primary Lead of Operations. During this time I was responsible for all post-flight navigational array specifications and was awarded the NASA Service of Aviation Medal and the Top Engineer of Flight Dynamics award. I was then selected by NASA to become one of the members of the International Space Station. It was truly a dream come true.
SO, you can probably imagine my disappointment when I first entered the airlock this morning and discovered that there wasn't a single package of Astronaut Ice Cream aboard this station. The Russian and the Italian laughed at me when I asked if the delivery was late. The kindly Canadian explained that dehydrated food was not brought on board, as the crumbs would become dust that could affect delicate equipment and sensors.
I write this as I stare out into the sadness of dark, cold space. Being an astronaut sucks.
DAY TWO
NO FUCKING TANG? Are you shitting me?